day 38

it will be day 38 tomorrow, i can't beat this feeling of my past. i'm not chaining my current course but to get a message from the dead only kills me further. I've been dead before and revived. I have no one to turn to ask for help or advice. all my friends have moved on and i'm all alone in my ship.. Nonot has even left for the Moon for a little bit to be with Casey and Mark.....

I feel so empty inside that even if i were to try and cut my self with a knife nothing would come out. this ship is my tomb. this ship is my curse, and I still love her and I will always miss the girl that I thought was the one. before the mass murder leader of the LRM took her from me. I swore to  make them all pay, I destroyed their ship but here I am lost forever in my ship.

For the past month i've bettered myself, I'm trying to become the strongest version of my self and to show others that anything is possible. but how do i beat the past? should i answer it with a hello or should I just leave it where I left it that night. On the floor of a crappy hotel surrounded by drugs and needles? or held by her hair by my enemy threatening me with a choice the Earth or Her. I made the choice to fire first that night, everyone was saved but I pays the ultimate price of losing the one thing I can never live with out. That pain will never go away its a lingering curse that will always remain like body fat. Its a curse that will never leave me until i die. I wish there was a way to remove this curse but I fear not.

I wish the past would stay where it is but I to see my past again. I want to hold my past again, if it where still in this world. it sucks not being able to feel, i hope everyone that has someone cherishes what they have because when you sacrifice what you have to save everyone else, you die a little every day. Kat I miss you so much it hurts every day like a knife wound. I miss you so much I always wonder what would of happened if I didn't fire the ION Cannon that day? What if i stopped the Marines from coming in trying to rescue you and failing.

Why do I even continue on?