Dense

Not sure why but I decided to girl sector 5 to a night club..... Yea no clue everyone's on shore leave. 

Stormy night

Laying in my hammock in my make shift captains room in the Astroliner. 

I like hearing the rain on the hull, very relaxing. Makes me think, as strong as I am maybe just maybe I'm meant to help someone? 

Not to mention a phone call from 16 light years away gives me the motivation to get up again.... Time to ride at high sun. 

Earth

I've been staying with friends on earth for awhile now. I haven't been in range of my captains log in awhile. I was staying on Valorine for awhile. 

Still can't figure out why I'm alive after what happens two years ago.... 

Tired of meeting people and always getting hurt. 

I think the Astroliner feels the same way after I crashed it.. I don't know, no missions this week I just wish shit would change. Tired of being single and alone.

Be awhile

Just opened my blog up.. Looking at what I've been through and looking at this diary I don't understand why I'm still here. I guess I like being abused by people. Between Kat, Petra and all the others. 

Think this is going to lead up to climax of my being.  I guess my only goal left in life, is to help as many people and save as many people, there are no more enemies, so this time I will clean it good, oil it well practice with it every weekend at the range and uses its power to end my own, this time it won't jam, and no one can stop me. Colleen won't be there to tackle me and mittens won't be there to take it away from me. 

The next 6month are going to be a wild ride. 

Chang. 

And I'm back in Sol system

Just spent 6 months on vandal with Miker and friends

Moral fiber

Ships been docked for repairs. Hanging out at the good court. Hate watching all the couples.. Wish that was me :/ just want to be happy. A week ago I stopped pirates from raiding a station. Saved hundreds of people, still don't feel good about myself..

Depression

So I don't know how to put this. I know I have everything, Star Ship, Friends, Good Crew, Good Parents. yet I feel so alone that it hurts every time I walk into my apartment on the space station. it hurts so bad that you can't even explain it to your best friends. when you do its like your talking a different language. There was once this comedian who committed suicde because he felt so alone that he just throught it was best to just end it. I feel his pain, i really do and I don't care if anyone judges me the only way everyone will feel how i feel is if I end it to make them morn. Then they can truly understand how I feel. I lost the love of my life over a year ago and ever since then I'm just not me. I know she was a herione addict. I don't care about that I care about her and who she was. not what she be came of other ass holes. I miss my baby so much, I miss the dinner the skys we starred at. I wish she would come back. I just want to hold her one more time and tell her how much I care for her. I just want that warm feeling we gave each other. Why do I deserve to feel like this? Why couldn't I save her from those Ass holes Rozlyn and Richard? I fought so hard to save her and in the end I still couldn't

I miss her so much,  I miss her so bad. I hurts so bad, I want my fiancé back. I why can't i just be happy, I just want things to be my way just for once. all I ask is for my baby, I just want to hold the best thing that ever happened to me. I miss her so much. i'm tired of being the good guy, tried of being good. Kat if you can read this, hear me in my sleep or my daily life. I love you, I miss you, where ever you are now I hope your okay and will wait for me. I may see you sooner than you think. I love you so much. I don't care about the heroine, I don't care about the fight we had, I don't care what happened. I just want to be by your side again one more time please wait for me. I love you so much. No one under stands how I feel. No one know my pain, we should of been married now with possible a kid. could of followed mittens and jeffery...... I miss you so much. I miss you with all my heart.

I hope we meet again babe, I miss you so much.

Ps. Nonot can make really awesome pita bread now. He actually made extra and forgot that you wouldn't be with us the other night.