Dark matter

How do you control something you don't know how to control? We've been flying missions for the past several months. The current mission "hallows" had been a challenge, not matter how much I fight to hid my feelings it tears me apart, the crew has begun to notice a change in me and the way I act. I want to be a better person all around but I feel so damanged. The last accident I had wasnt her fault it was mine. How come I can pull the trigger to kill and enemy but I can't when I feel something's write?

Funny just the other day a family came up to me in the food court they sat with me as I ate and the said we where on the Golden Wing freight liner. You saved our lives, can we do any thing for any thing at all? I looked at them and said just be happy for your selves and live every moment with each other. Then I told them don't be like me. I do everything I can to save life but i can't save myself from myself. I always hurt my self by not making the right decisions and this time it hurts more than any thing and I don't know what to do. We fly again at 19:00 hrs and I'll be suited I'll be ready but my heart will never be right. Honestly I told Mark I hope I get shot down today, and I say it every day but I seem to still survive it everyday. If the Astroliner was a person I think it would feel the same way. We both feel empty and beaten inside. It's been running for of 35 years I've been running for 29 years some times I wonder if I need to take a break. But if I did I would just spend it alone so what's the point no one like to do what I do. And with my luck I'd get called to action.

I just feel lost.....