and it hits

I'm writing this, I've been hit with a major depression or something I don't even know how to explain how I feel right now.... I took a nap and was feeling ok. but then I woke up and feel like crap. I was going to go bowling but no one wants to do any thing. sucks being the only single person on the space station... just feel heavy like nothing matters, its so lonely in this damn apartment. I keep watching earth through the window and nothing happens.
to much loss and grieving and the only person who I see as  a person that I can talk to is Nonot but he doesn't under stand human emotion, he tries but he's robot. suck everyone can rant to you... who can you rant to when you have nothing or no one. I just feel hopeless in every angle. here i'm suppose to be a beacon of light and hope for others and I feel like shit.
not even music is cheering me up, usually throw on some owl city but it just brings back bad memories. its all bad memories, I don't want these memories I want my own happy memories. just so done being hurt by every relationship. tired of not having someone's had to hold. to depressed to eat, to depressed to go even see my space ship. I feel like as if I have neglected it too. not even spending money is helping me fell happy, I bought a digital copy of Ai Yori Aoshi $50 credits later. great show but just like everything else in my life is a stupid fantasy that will never really happen. I'm really starting to think about leaving the Sol system.... think I might head west some where no one knows who I am and I can just restart and reboot every aspect of my life and just maybe be happy. I'll lose everything here, not like I have much. Space Ship, Job, Family, Nonot, Car, apartment, I'd only take two suit cases. 'm just gonna drift away somewhere so I can't be bothered and I won't bother anyone else. I've learned why i'm helpful to everyone, its because of my grand father. I wish I could ask him how did you keep going not being selfish.. I can't do it anymore. I can't take the pains it comes with, I don't want to try and meet anyone I don't want to do anything I just want to disappear and i'm sure everyone wouldn't notice for a few days either. here's me being selfish, if they gave to shit's they would be there for me as I was for all of them. now that everyone is safe and have what they need I have nothing that I need or want I will move on to hell with everyone else.


captain Chang,