Moral fiber

Ships been docked for repairs. Hanging out at the good court. Hate watching all the couples.. Wish that was me :/ just want to be happy. A week ago I stopped pirates from raiding a station. Saved hundreds of people, still don't feel good about myself..

Depression

So I don't know how to put this. I know I have everything, Star Ship, Friends, Good Crew, Good Parents. yet I feel so alone that it hurts every time I walk into my apartment on the space station. it hurts so bad that you can't even explain it to your best friends. when you do its like your talking a different language. There was once this comedian who committed suicde because he felt so alone that he just throught it was best to just end it. I feel his pain, i really do and I don't care if anyone judges me the only way everyone will feel how i feel is if I end it to make them morn. Then they can truly understand how I feel. I lost the love of my life over a year ago and ever since then I'm just not me. I know she was a herione addict. I don't care about that I care about her and who she was. not what she be came of other ass holes. I miss my baby so much, I miss the dinner the skys we starred at. I wish she would come back. I just want to hold her one more time and tell her how much I care for her. I just want that warm feeling we gave each other. Why do I deserve to feel like this? Why couldn't I save her from those Ass holes Rozlyn and Richard? I fought so hard to save her and in the end I still couldn't

I miss her so much,  I miss her so bad. I hurts so bad, I want my fiancé back. I why can't i just be happy, I just want things to be my way just for once. all I ask is for my baby, I just want to hold the best thing that ever happened to me. I miss her so much. i'm tired of being the good guy, tried of being good. Kat if you can read this, hear me in my sleep or my daily life. I love you, I miss you, where ever you are now I hope your okay and will wait for me. I may see you sooner than you think. I love you so much. I don't care about the heroine, I don't care about the fight we had, I don't care what happened. I just want to be by your side again one more time please wait for me. I love you so much. No one under stands how I feel. No one know my pain, we should of been married now with possible a kid. could of followed mittens and jeffery...... I miss you so much. I miss you with all my heart.

I hope we meet again babe, I miss you so much.

Ps. Nonot can make really awesome pita bread now. He actually made extra and forgot that you wouldn't be with us the other night.

Being captain

Another long and stressful day today. Sometimes I wonder why put up with this shit. So tired of being stressed over stress over stress. And I wish the flashbacks of stop too. And not to mention that my heart and mind are going to different ways my heart wants the girl but my mind wants something else. I'm tired of trying to be two people I just want to be one person and that's a captain. 

Sad to say I still think of her, even though she's gone. I could really use her touch and Grace. Her gentle kindness and her warm heart. And that perfume that can destroy the world. I miss her smile so much. Tired of being in pain all the time. I wish someone would help me stop suffering. Lately I have been asking myself what am I truly living for. Or what was I living for.

I miss my baby, with all my heart 

Being captain

Just got back to my apartment from exersizing. I couldn't help stand on the bridge that connects the station midsection. It was just me and nobody else. The earth looked amazing tonight. Yep just me and my MP3 player, just taking it all in. 

I know I keep hoping but hope something is changing for me soon. 

Being captain

I know this job requires me to be alone and to even think someone would ever want to put up with the feeling that I may never come back from the job stinks. I love what I do and I love protecting people. I'm no superhero, I don't have super powers but I'll give it my all to help someone...

On a lighter note I asked Petra out, she said yes but I think we where so tired at the time it didn't register. I'm fine with that. Both of us have been busting iur butts. Plus she's having personal issue, so I can relate. Not suppose to date someone in the same rank or branch but I don't care. 

Currently in the Isacc system next week we retune to Arcadia system haven't ran out there in a long time , that was back when I was with my old cre, my best friends... I miss everyone. But none the less new crew, new me, stronger version of me.

I see myself this way now, good or bad I'm unsure.

Captains

Well it's been awhile I lost my compad in the ship.... Actually I think Nonot was hiding it. 

We're still running hard. Missions are coming out of the wood works. So it's been good, still weird with the new crew sometimes but we're mending slowly. 

Oh on another note: Captain Petra from

The Trizona and I have been hanging out. A few weeks back we worked together on a mission. I assisted and we just decided hey lets grab some friend and go bowling. Fun times, nice to get out, Mittens and Colleen would be proud.

Good news from the  front. My uncle might actually be retiring.  It's almost

Time for the Astroliner to be docked for it's annual repair and over haul. Going to score a date with Petra (she's a little hardcore, might get punched in the face) and then find a part time job or something. Last down season was boring. 

Being me

Some times I wonder still why I wonder, what if 

Dewitt update

Realizing this while texting mittens.. Being light years away it still takes a damn message forever to get there lol

Dewitt system

Ah second day, cup o coffee in hand no complaints lol Nonot is chilln in the back playing a video game. Yea an AI playing a video game... Cray cray. Well at least things are ok for once 

Dewitt

New love lol

Dewitt system

Back again in the Dewitt system, helping the locals with transporting goods from the station to the local planet. 

Star lite castle prt 2

Mission accomplished, 34 people rescued, no fatalities, 14 injured. Going to debrief then shower because omg I got the funk 

Rescue operation star lite castle

Well long story short we are repairing this frighter to bring her back. But holy moly there is an infestation of krits!! Aka little bugs like wasps that sting like bastards not to mention this planet orbits a double fricking star!! Hot. 

Dillon system

Taking on a rescue mission not sure what's going to happen. Colleens prepping the ship now I'm fueling it and the moons out 

Jupiter 7

Long day can't sleep, I keep starring at the planet.... Really miss my friends... Mittens and Jeffery say they might stop

By some time but who knows. Their on Mars. Mark and Casey moved out to the Outter rim. Just me and Nonot, Colleen is on hiatus. Guess tomorrow I'll post on the job board. Now hiring. 

New month

Long month glad it's over. Astroliners fown for repairs. Nonots acting weird and my co works still don't beleive I'm a space captain 

Emergency

Abrupt wake up call -.-

Alert came from coopers station orbiting the Outter rim of sol system. Not sure what's going on be there eta 3 hrs not sure what to expect. Wonder if the lab rat mafia has returned 

China

Helping Chinese folk with irrigation problems... Not sure how but well do what we can 

4th of July prt 2

Well normal day on Gibraltar, so far everything's going good. Colleen showed up with the fam, kinda funny she's the tallest in Jupiter 7 but te shortest in the family.... Yea kinda funny. Weathers been really nice today. I've been just chiling out side of the Astroliner. Wish Kat was still here. I don't know how I'll ever get her out of my memory. Wish I could get her out of my memory, ha wish I could remove a lot of memories I don't need. 

Well back to the show 

4th of July

Current location Gibraltar System

Colleens home system. Been called in to help with foreworks. Waiting for Colleen to jump in with my fighter, sent her on a water run. 

Home

Home in this shitty apartment. Really starting to hate the human race.... Mission went well just burnt out and tired of people having power over me. I just want it all to end, the pain, the jealous feeling. I just want it all to be dark. Someone once said to me don't talk about death until you have tried to live your life. Well I've tried and tried and tried and I'm tired of picking myself up time and time again. I've given more to people who need help more than anything. I just want it to end

Clemens system

After last night I woke with a weird dream and someone from my past. I wish my memories would leave me alone. Yea I want to Find the one but I want to help people too. I don't want to be a saint I just think people who have nothing and get pushed around deserve something's. And people who steal, cheat and take, deserve the worst.

Tonight we're returning to the station, I'm taking a break for a few weeks but I just want to be happy what ever that is. 

Subway

Picking up food for us and geez the locals in this town no respect for one another why are we protecting them? 

Battle of Gus Station

Originally called in to do a water run has turned into this town needs help from the local bad guys. For once it's not the mafia. Darn locals are so ignorant tho I don't know why I'm helping them? People are starting fights and running yell and calling each other names.

Almost as bad a earth back in the day. Any ways proud to say I got fed up and fired flares into the crowd. 

Clemens system

Well here we are the clemens system. Rodent control here we go. 

Say something

Sitting here in my empty home I wish it would just end. Why did my crew have to save me. If I died who would really care. I just want the pain to stop. 

Ortonville System Mission final

Ortonville was a success we drove off the bad guys, made some new friends and, got money to which was nice.

Sad part I went to check my social media Space Book and its my birthday today. totally forgot all my friends said happy birthday. what really still gets me to this day is my parents who I actually talked to both of them today via video, and they said nothing about my birthday... The only reason they called was to make sure I wasn't hanging around my ex, who's dead anyway. and that my bill are paid up so that my credit isn't bad because my moms going for the senate this year....... wtf 

Breakfast

Ah breakfast, hard bolid eggs, jerky, kiwi juice, mixed veggies in sour sauce :)

Orton system update

 Multiple contacts, is this best they have!! I'm going in my fighter Astroliner stand back!!!

Cleaning

While on the mission I took the time to clean my captains bunk

The Orton System

Met up with the crew, we are orbit The planet Christi. Weird name but anyways no signs of trouble... Crews going about there business. I wish I had someone to text :/ 

Lennon station

Currently on my way to the Astroliner.... Long flight in my fighter. Resting at Lennon station in the andromeda star system. Getting up in a few hrs and completing my travel to the Orton system. Apparently the lab rat mafia is misbehaving... What eves I want Ice cream! 

Pooped

Worn out, mission this week coming up 

Service

Go up early ran my mile. Took my fighter in for check and service. Thanks to my uncle every things covered. I do miss my old rapier but this one is more relaxing. Lucky the government of Mars gave these to us. I do miss mittens and Casey fixing our rides. Now I have the dealers do it. Scary how things change.. Well at least the Astroliner doesn't have to goto a dealer.

Motivation

Don't know why or I don't want to admit it but I'm burnt out. Keeping multiple jobs and trying to keep my ship afloat is taking a small toll. I need to stay strong to lead my teams on my star ship and at my regular job... I just need to rest for a long period and juice in the morning I'll be good.

Looking up

IEnd to a good weekend, downloading Attack on Titan, Astroliner is docked, no major damage sustained. Nonot went on his date. I'm home alone with a bucket of pop corn and a sodi pop it's show time. 

:3 

Things are starting to look up, 

Neptune prt 2

Finally home. Long weekend met some good people and a few evil. The little fight with the LRM was fun minus the convoy leader jip me on my cut of the pay. I get it if you can't pay me full. Tell me to my face don't send me home with a surprise.

Well Colleen and Nonot are going to be helping with a few upgrades this weekend. I told them to get some rest this week as will I even tho I need to get to my real job -.- gotta pay the bills

Neptune station

Memories of Kat. I miss her so much .

Reassigned

The astroliner has been reassigned to Jupiter again. Haven't been active in over 6 months since I was put under discplanary actions. Only crew I have left is Colleen and Nonot. Everyone else is gone :( well time to put a now hiring sign up. 

Good times

Been a long day, spending some time in the Antilles star cluster, met some really cool people.

Change is coming I hope

She ripped me apart, killed me, damn near destroyed my space ship.. And I still find myself thinking about her -.- glad summers almost here

Coffee all around

So everyone at my work has been kinda down so I'm surprising everyone with some yum coffe from Starbucks 

Emotional

I visited the cemetery where my grand parents are. Saw the rudest thing a father and his daughter visiting his wife's grave. He said they wish they had a cure for brain cancer. I wanted to tell him it's my fault that the cure almost happened but I failed to save the one I love who almost achieved the cure before our down fall. 

I feel guilt for many because she could of help millions. But the Mafia took the most precious thing from me . 

Flogged

Finally made it to my bed... So tired, working a real job and trying to be a space captain is tiring as all hell.

I have to keep going people are counting on me. 

Clearing a path

Looking at what I've done this past weekend. I've helped everyone out, I'm tired and I don't want to sound selfish but I think I'm going to take some me time. Maybe watch a movie tonight or something.  I know Colleen is and at me because I missed her birthday party the other night. Sigh -.- wish I could be everywhere at once. 

Hopefully life will slow down so I can enjoy it. 

Leveled up

So safe to say mittens was right. The waiting makes u stronger. Been trying to move on and fear really doesn't stop me. I just feel stronger every time I take that chance. Good ending or not.

But I will always protect the ones I care about even if I have to scarifice myself 

Tired

Oh I'm tired.... Made some instant chicken, big bottle of water next to me, movie on the video screen. All by my self... Funny thing is the damn robots got a date on a Saturday night... 

Wild day

Been a wild day, in a good way. I've managed to help every person I came across today. Some where like your so patient, wow your a good people person... And so on. I keep asking my self am I? I know I shouldnt because of what I've accomplished. 

I still keep asking my self do u really want to keep working in space? Your captain of a star ship with really no crew. You work at a replicator place just to have something to do. Everyone U work with has there own families and lives. When they come home they have something to talk aboot. They always ask me what did u do last night or did u see the game? And they still done believe half of the things I've been through. Maybe I'll always belong amongst the stars. Maybe it's better to just be different from everyone else. But i just want to fit in. 

Whateves, yes it's lonely, yes I'm bored, just going to continue to help others and do me. Okay now it's time to do some cloth shopping. It's nice not needing and boomerang to put on your belt.

Day 60

Having a hard time, been eating real food, chicken, soups, mc Donald's. It's hard when your the only one on the ship. I used to think it was hard when I had an entire crew. 

Nonot try's to push me I think he sees it too. The loneliness of humans I guess what ever u want to call it. 

I need to get back on the ball tomorrow, straght juicing and smoothies, no real solids or meats.

I will work out tonight need to keep lifting and doing bio energetically and trama releases. Need to get my brain more

Focused.

And I might ask the barista out at Coffee Mug, I don't know, just looking for someone different that doesn't work in space, or medical. 

Right now I'm at little.ceasers to kill my diet and reboot tomorrow. God the pies smell good. 

Day 55 3-25-14 updated

On break at work, minds just running a mile a minute. Need to check my weight tonight also lunch I've only had juice and apple chips home made tabouli and hummus. 

Met Angel Yesterday, still strange but she had some work for me so it's cool.

Loving my new space fighter. Fits perfectly in the Astroliner.

-.- still lonely, think I'm gonna spend some time in the Siri System to find my true love... I hope

Day 50

Day 50 and feeling great, really need to fall asleep

New fighter

Getting my new ride, my old vipers falling apart and it's getting more expense to purchase parts so I went with the x-1 rapier.

Day 40 let it go.

I thought the past was suppose to stay in the past. Why do these feelings keep coming back. its like a door that was shut has been reopened and i'm waiting to see whats going to come through it. will it have evil intentions, or will it be apart of a future that i finally deserve?

Today is day 40 of my quest to become the strongest version of myself and I will say i truly feel better, but my heart hurts thinking of the past. the only thing I have left is my future. what ever that maybe i pray it brings me not what i deserve, but what i've earned and I as i alway say I just want to be happy.

I'm going to continue this adventure ill I die or end up happy, if my past wants to come back thats fine I can live with it even though everyone will hate me. I don't have nothing to lose, its just me.

Captain Chang

Sad

Not feeling like myself, wish I had someone to laught with. Am I really happy where I am? 

On a brighter note I've been helping others become the strongest versions of them selves. I now have 6 people following my diet plan and ideas. 

I'm no expert, but I've seen it work, so I know it works 

day 38

it will be day 38 tomorrow, i can't beat this feeling of my past. i'm not chaining my current course but to get a message from the dead only kills me further. I've been dead before and revived. I have no one to turn to ask for help or advice. all my friends have moved on and i'm all alone in my ship.. Nonot has even left for the Moon for a little bit to be with Casey and Mark.....

I feel so empty inside that even if i were to try and cut my self with a knife nothing would come out. this ship is my tomb. this ship is my curse, and I still love her and I will always miss the girl that I thought was the one. before the mass murder leader of the LRM took her from me. I swore to  make them all pay, I destroyed their ship but here I am lost forever in my ship.

For the past month i've bettered myself, I'm trying to become the strongest version of my self and to show others that anything is possible. but how do i beat the past? should i answer it with a hello or should I just leave it where I left it that night. On the floor of a crappy hotel surrounded by drugs and needles? or held by her hair by my enemy threatening me with a choice the Earth or Her. I made the choice to fire first that night, everyone was saved but I pays the ultimate price of losing the one thing I can never live with out. That pain will never go away its a lingering curse that will always remain like body fat. Its a curse that will never leave me until i die. I wish there was a way to remove this curse but I fear not.

I wish the past would stay where it is but I to see my past again. I want to hold my past again, if it where still in this world. it sucks not being able to feel, i hope everyone that has someone cherishes what they have because when you sacrifice what you have to save everyone else, you die a little every day. Kat I miss you so much it hurts every day like a knife wound. I miss you so much I always wonder what would of happened if I didn't fire the ION Cannon that day? What if i stopped the Marines from coming in trying to rescue you and failing.

Why do I even continue on?

Past

Nothing more painful when u think your past is trying to contact you and your imagining things... I need to get as far away from this place. 

I just want to be happy that's all I ask 

Day 36

Just doing liquids all day, extra cleanse :3 

Day 34

Was at grace hospital yesterday, it was nice to see everyone. Blood pressure is still a hair high, taking new meds that are driving me nuts. Nonots a little worried, I never get angry and this stuff makes me feel like a biological. finally calmed down, i'm still sticking with it. veggy juice, no cheese, no bread 60 plus days to go. I'm not going to give up on that. kinda stinks i was standing at the nurses station and I could feel Kat there. I know I keep going back to the past. Its nice not to have to worry about the lab rat mafia. just me and my ship and the robot. I wish Mark was around need someone to run with. miss Shepard too.

Bacon

I got nothing, I think I deserve a vacation... But I need someone to go with :/ hate being alone, the ship is cold and dark

Day 25

Feeling ok, A lot of vegetables and drink about a liter of juice. Muscle mass is increase in my arms and legs and partial body stomach is definitely going down in size as well. Just can't wait to get back to the ship I guess Nonot still being Nonot putting my profile back up on the dating site again didn't help that I found some pictures of me and kat again. Sometimes I wish the past would stay in the pass I'm tired of it. Yeah I still wonder if she's alive but it doesn't matter anymore I mean she died I know she died. No one survived that explosion, nothing blew that space station was shredded no one survived that radius. 

It's funny to be march in a couple of days can't believe how many months it's been since everything that happened. All I know is I truly loved her but hopefully once I find the strongest version of myself I'll find the right person I'm looking for I hope or the Astroliner will just break apart and you. The Astroliner saved me a lot. more times than I can imagine. sometimes I wonder if it's got a mind of its own it save my life more times than I can count I am grateful for. 

Above all I really miss the crew Mittens,Mark, Casey I know Lindsey Missy are long gone another in a better place, I really miss the crew now just me and the robot and hopefully if anybody else I can hire this year.

I'm thinking about returning the Mars just to finding my own job or working for somebody else instead of being in charge of the spaceship. and back to it again I'm just really tired of being alone this apartment is just the walls are closing in, I'm losing weight but the walls are just closing in

Dehydrator

Amazing machine, been making apples and strawberries working my way to green beans next. Going to used this machine to the fullest. 

Day 18

Nonot came home with a food dehydrator. So where making apple chips. It's been over 18 days no cheese, no processed foods. I feel great :3 

day 15

today is day 15, in my quest to become the strongest version of myself. I now had 45 days to go. for 15 days I have not eaten anything processed, I've juiced 75% everyday. I've only eaten raw or mild cooked vegetables. I'm one step closer to stopping a demon from killing me "My Heart" Also the longest i've ever gone on a fast like this was 14 days. tomorrow aka today is the next chapter i call "the undiscovered country" in my book. can't wait to see whats going to happen next. can't wait for the next challenge. One I'm hopping to earn is to be a Manager for FedEx Office. I'm an assistant now but I want the next challenge. If I can rebuild a Star Ship with my best friends, help stop MS, and help other when they needed guidance. I can't wait for tomorrow.

Day 12

Feeling better this morning last night was weird. Couldn't get any real drawing or writing done ended up watching cowboy bebop the movie last night hoping for inspiration :( great movie but my mind said no.... Always planning the new up grades to the astroliner. And probably going to post a sign for help wanted soon 

Day 7

Been fasting for 7 days I feel great, lots of energy and just over all amazing. I'm going 60 days of this. Everyone keeps asking me why? Because I'm not happy with myself and i hope to attract a girl on the station I like well she actually lives on Mars but she comes to the station every other week.  Nonot is really pushing me and bill has been doing it to because he has been having a hard time fitting into his fighter. So here I sit ready for bed dreaming about the new girl who I have a crush on and one day hope to be happy 

being me.....

I've been captain of the Astroliner for over 8 years now. Its been a wild ride, I miss my crew. all that's really left is me and Nonot, Mittens and Jeffery moved to Mars, Colleen took a position at the Science Academy in the Orion Nebula. Mark and Casey are happy on the Lunar surface...
I  still take the occasional job. Just feels lonely, not to mention I'm dealing with this heart issue. I'll over come it for sure. Bob is doing a fast with me so at least I'm not the only one trying to be health. I guess its really the whole being alone thing. Not having someone to tell how your day was or sharing a moment at dinner with someone. just tired of this feeling had it for along time then Kat came along it was gone then my world fell apart and now I feel like I'm back to square one again. I don't know I guess for now I'm meant to help people and inspire people.... just wish I could inspire myself to become better and find the one I'm looking for...

Grace Hospital

Haven't been here in awhile..... Ok long time .... Yea I'm just here for a check up, but I keep waiting to see Kat standing by the nurses station..... Or her ghost. Some of the nurses that where here before are still her. Pam gave me a big hug. I miss her friends here, Pam got teary eyed, she misses Kat too before everything when south... I miss her so much, I still wish I had that time machine, I'd goto jail but I'd would of killed Rozlyn before she became the leader of the mafia... I know vengeance is bad to think and hate. But what am I supposed to do... 

How many more people will I lose before I lose everything... I'm tired of losing friends and family. 

Warm

So the stations heating systems of been off-line for the last couple days. I am currently in a mountain of blankets and pillows. And I really really don't want to do a darn thing and it's Sunday. If only I could reach the fridge and the microwave there less than 10 feet away to make an instant sandwich hmm 

Food

I'm to used to giving orders..... I miss being a pilot sometimes

Earth

So landed on earth today stopped in michigan for a hotdog at bills in Ypsi.... Man it's cold! Pluto isn't this bad. Nonots like had its a crisp -29* captain... Stupid robot

Taking a break

Some times I wish my memories could be erased... Took a break after working on the aft booster and was listening to music on my com pad and a photo rolled out of me and Kat..... I miss her so much and hate Rozlyn for destroying my life. I hate the Lab Rat Mafia so much for taking my baby away from me. I hate them all. 

Hanger bay

So I've been counting the ships lately coming and going and well. A lot haven't come back, word on the station something has been attack space ships in the astroids... Wonder if it's the mafia? 

Ouch

Ok so Nonot said I've gained wait... Stupid robot. Anyways I just jogged as he floated next to me as my personal boom box. The ladies where like go eat a doughnut yea whoa wait wait get off my voice to type damn robot!!!! 

Hella yea!!!

Best ideas happen at 3am!!!! 

Wow it's another year....

So I'm having a little drink with nonot. Yes I understand he's a robot but anyways colleen comes strolling up with a sixpack of milk and were all just kind hanging out the balcony of the astroliner platform. Ahh good times here's to a better year :)